You are looking for a self-confident, loving, open and independent woman who won't smoother you in a relationship but somehow you end up attracting a little-girl type (immature) with a victim mentality and real addiction to drama. She may be quite independence in other areas and very good with other people in her life, but when it comes to you, she flies off the handle at the slightest provocation (or even none at all), blows situations out of proportion, overreacts and makes mountains out of molehills.. You are constantly bounced between loving behaviour and unpredictable outbursts of rage. You never know what to expect. But every time that relationship is over, you are left with mixed feelings of relief and intense pain at the same time. Why$%:
Continuous attraction to drama queens is self-inflicted suffering often due to the need to compensate for some inner emptiness, unhappiness, diminished sense of self or even depression.
Holding on to the "emotional drama" gives you an "emotional identity" one of "silent sufferer". It's kind of an addiction. And like any "addiction", initially the drama seems all exciting and the "make-up" sex afterwards, wow! But over time, it does not give that initial oomph, and instead you begin to feel like you just can't catch a break. When she leaves, you go through the "withdrawal' period (depression) and start craving her drama (and your suffering).
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A common misconception I hear from single men caught up in this "Emotional Roller Coaster" is that the problem will go away on its own and they will often say to themselves, "This is the last time that I am going to..." but experience and research shows that they will return to the same relationships. You know what I mean. Sometimes you'll try and get back together to give it one more chance. Other times you end up doing the on-again and off-again thing.
The first step is to RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE the "Hidden Emotional Need(s)" that you are trying to "manage" or avoid feeling but not even doing a good job.
I've taught this "Stop The Emotional Roller Coaster" exercise to my clients and it's always an eye-opener.
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1. On a piece of paper list the names of woman you've had a significant relationship with (not one or two time dates). Leave space after each name so that you have space to write. If you have only one woman in your life just put that name.
2. After each persons name, write down answers to the following questions. List in one or two words, don't elaborate.
A. What does/would (fill her name) say she wants/wanted that I can/could not give her$%: (e.g. support, share emotions, affection, etc)
B. I need/needed (fill her name) in my life because she makes/made me feel (e.g. loved, worthy, responsible, wanted, good etc.)
C. I need/needed (fill her name) in my life when I (e.g. happy, sad, anxious, rough day, etc.)
D. I need/needed (fill her name) in my life to tell me I am (e.g. smart, desirable, etc).
3. Next, read all your answers and circle those that seem to repeat themselves from one person to another.
4. Make a summary list of those answers you circled. Ask yourself why am I trying to avoid or deny these emotions$%: In what other ways am I avoiding or denying these emotions$%:
Until you stop numbing out in the face of your pain, you will never know that you can feel your pain without needing to attract a drama queen to help you feel the pain. This is not just about feeling and expressing your emotional pain but actually exploring it, owning it and learning from it.
The second step is to develop practical ongoing AWARENESS. Become aware when you start numbing out especially when you are out on a date or in a relationship. Once you numb out you'll not even be aware that you are busy getting yourself another drama queen. Dating and Sexual Confidence Series Part 4:Feel The Fear And Date Anyway has some ideas on how to do that. The third step is to RECLAIM THE POWER over your love/life. Dating and Sexual Confidence Series Part 5: Dating Outside The Box shows you how to explore who else can be your "type" .
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